WARNING: graphic and frank discussion of sex and raw emotion
Here I sit at the end of this month (Feb) after abstaining from sexual pleasure for an entire month. I did do a Venus ritual on valentine’s day but that was a revel in goddess energy, not mere sexual gratification.
I realized more about myself that I want my physical gratification to fill me with nourishing connective energy. I have always known this but I explained it to my husband several times so he could also meditate on the idea of us having full sexual activation. I also realized how sexually immature he is and it is a major turnoff whenever I notice it. I guess this explains why women are attracted to hardworking, mature men. This entire month of meditating on my sacral chakra has made me realize several things about myself and the environment I’m in.
My husband has the sexuality of a confused 16 year old, which was the age about when I took his virginity. We were all hanging out at a friend’s house and though I wasn’t really there for him, (I was the resident sex crazed teenager that got passed around) his friends encouraged him to lose his virginity to me. Though it was just awkward silent penetration and the goofballs* decided to interrupt anyway. We had another experience in senior year that sealed the deal though. In high school rom-com divine timing, it was prom night but we didn’t go to prom. We hooked up and something zinged. A few weeks later, I asked him to be my boyfriend and the rest is a long story to now.
*Why are guys like this, why does the sexual actions of your close mates must be addressed so openly? Why are men always desiring to wave their banner of penis so highly knowing that women prefer to be quiet about those matters because they are private matters when they concern our private parts? This just leads into the deeper discussion about sex in the modernity constantly being put into the spotlight but I’ll address that later.
I had a shameful amount of sex as a teenager. I don’t want to get into it now, but I was just addicted to the feeling. However, I don’t think I ever had a true orgasm until I was like 22 and I got with David who had gentle hands and loved my body and my spirit. But my young husband never got any other experience when we went our separate ways for about a year and a half. Over the phone I practically had to force him to fuck some white girl he got set up with in one of those “I need a friend for her friend” situations. I wanted him to figure out his sexuality because honestly I thought he was going to come back from the boot camp out of the closet or met some other girl. Neither of us finishing that first time echoes in our sex life nowadays with consistent disappointing encounters, and with myself usually being a sex goddess in every other man’s life, not sexually satisfying my husband enough so he quits masturbating all the time has been a crisis for a long time. We are still working the waves of our energies. I suppose the woman is the vessel of water and the man is the seafarer. Makes me think all of a sudden about this fairy tale called the north wind and the sun I randomly saw on Youtube. The north wind and the sun made a bet about who could get the traveler to remove his coat. The north wind blew hard as they could but the traveler just pulled his coat tighter until they blew themselves out. Then the sun started to shine and the traveler took off his coat once he felt got too hot. It’s a fable for adults, at least in my interpretation. I thought about this short fable for a while. It gave a little morality message of persuasion at the end but I felt like there was something deeper to the story. What was the true meaning of this story? It’s about sexual persuasion. Someone who’s too pushy or does whatever that makes the other resist them more, they lose in the sexual selection game. The traveler who loses their coat is pretty much dead at the whims of abusive and pathological lovers. Surviving the storm you get the sun. By not succumbing to the storm you are able to feel the warmth of true love. In a more crude sense, using sensual and sexual qualities effectively will work more often than not. I just had an epiphany that this addresses one of my deep fears about expression of my sexuality. I had a mood that began cycling during my teen years. A male sense of being would arise and I would express mainly through the reckless sex. Recently I’ve adopted an androgynous view of myself, being an hermaphroditic or genderless creature. When I did the Venus ritual, I started opening up the more feminine aspects of myself. I started become more aware of beauty and the luxury of relaxing in a comfortable place. I have a second house Venus so there’s that. I started to look at art differently. I started to look at the feminine differently. I started to think about sex and relationships differently.
There’s a couple of impactful issues surrounding our marriage. He uses sex and masturbation as an outlet for his stress and boredom. I am a recovering sex addict and healing from other psychological trauma. We’re a perfect storm for unhealthy sexual issues. We’re always going to be stressed you create the connections of sex to be an outlet, you make stress your turn on. It’s could be our Aries energies but we playfight and I enjoy that for fun. but it is a sort of juvenile form of courtship when it’s overdone. We’re guilty of the fight-make up sex cycle and the cycle is broken on just fight when that wheel attempts to get started again. Instead being addicted to toxic behaviors that leads into orgasms, I isolated and I reconfigured my vision to turn sex into a private delight for devoted lovers. I meditated constantly about love. How did it make me feel? How could we express our love for each other more clearly? I have to change my entire view of sex and love. The way I always justified my unhinged promiscuity by attaching it to my previous nihilistic worldview. I updated my sight a lot in the last few years but this awakening really changed something in me. Instead of sex being an act of stress and anger, I turned it into an act of divine erotic love and energy connection. I wanted it to be beautiful and graceful. I’m tired of brutal animalistic action that always leaves you wanting more, which is the relationship that usually surrounds sex. It’s definitely why relationships formed only around sex don’t really work out in the long run. My husband and I have a deep love for each other I feel and we can solve this. Emotions in the moment are intense but they aren’t the end of a relationship. Marriage is a grand ordeal like carving a sculpture.
It’s like snacking versus a rich meal. Snacks are tasty all the time but too much of them are obviously a bad thing. You get sick, malnourished and it’s never gratifying because it dissolves before your gut even has a chance to digest it. A homemade meal takes a little time to prepare and takes some effort but will be worth every bite if the right care is taken and lots of love goes into cooking. I get upset at husband constantly because I’ll take effort to put a lot of love into my food and he barely eats any of it because he childishly dislikes a certain ingredient. How can a man ever please his wife in all sectors of their marriage if he stills wants his mom’s cooking and bosom? (Yes I’m about to get very Freudian so continue to keep an open mind.) We aren’t children anymore obviously but we can’t behave that way all the time, especially while seeking sexual delight. Tickling and play-fighting are what brothers and sisters and children do. While I don’t mind playing around sometimes, it’s still fun, it is just not any healthy adult route to sexuality. We have to be careful about what we attach to our sexual cues and erotic behavior.
This is why young men need to be initiated into adulthood otherwise they’ll just keep acting like children. This is why women need good fathers so they know when they are interacting with a grown man. This is why divorce and sexual deviation has become the norm in western society. It’s why pedophilia is growing in popularity. All because we lost good men in this world and the good women adapted to being with shitty men. It’s not the women’s fault because we are creatures designed to follow with the cycles of nature and the nature of man has become sadly corrupt brought about by the spiritual imbalance of western civilization. It’s hard for boys to mature into proper young men with the current restrictions the Institution imposes on families, the education styles and cultural degeneracy. As I’ve learned early on this life, especially as my son reaches age 12 this year, sexuality is a major point in human life. It’s made me realize that my son is maturing healthily and it’s becoming more obvious how mentally juvenile my husband is. No wonder Freud was met with men putting fingers in their ears when he brought these sensitive topics up. Humans need to learn about their sexuality properly so they can transcend their childish tendencies so they can be happy in adult relationships. I’ve craved so long for adult relationship and by the joke that is my life, I get married to someone who hasn’t addressed their sexuality since first jerking off at 14. The seafarer reference I made earlier applies here. David was also retired navy so how interesting that connection is right now.
For a woman sex is more about the experience, not so much how many different partners which is patriarchal influence. Women that are seeking husbands are like vessels of the sea. They are both the boat and the ocean, able to survive the hardest storms and a truly powerful force of nature. I once had a insight of the princess is also the dragon you slay. Woman seem to naturally group, and usually pictured as such or with children or animals. Women are dual nature and human. The embodiment of divine chaos is true. God’s gift to mankind. The masculine is the warrior, the captain and yin, the singularity. Heroes are accompanied by a divine female in mythology. The topic gets deep. Men are the drivers of the energy. Women need to learn how to master their own inner energy or it will just become your own invincible dragon that no man even attempt to battle. Men need to learn how to use their sword, just staying in metaphor but also literally, and learn how to handle complex mechanisms to practice for the female creature. Be a resilient captain of the most dangerous seas and return with riches. Slay the dragon, get the girl who is the gold. It’s a little funny thinking about how the idea has materialized in culture.
I know I’m not the only woman who thinks about this. This is exactly the core truth of so many women who are in unhappy relationships. Women have a hard time dealing with the truth in culture that is built on lies, manipulation and objectification. You have to settle early on or take a gamble on experiences that may or may not form into anything substantial. Since the 70’s, sexual liberation was immediately sucked into the mass marketing machine to increase promiscuity. Porn and abortions have done a lot of new damage to sexual freedom. If the movement was more carefully handled, we could have a kinder and safer sex culture. There’s a story to be told about how the whole world has been raped by television. While men listen to their dick instead of the women who have real brains, and women attempt to reason with men zombified by porn, society continues to fall apart at the seams. Dick zomibfied men , hetero, homo and all the in betweens, leave women to become aggressive lesbians or depressed spinsters, or any type of nun. I’m very patient but how much more waiting do I have to do before my 28 year old husband’s brain catches up with his body. No wonder so many men wake up at 45 with suicidal depression when they realize they’ve been letting the 14 year old ego drive their body for the last 30 years. It’s why suicide rates for young men are so high nowadays because they realize that their 55 year old mentor hasn’t matured past 21 in reality so what’s the point of going on with life if you just become stuck in a body with the mind of a kid. It’s sad but it is the objective truth. Women suffer in this regard like I have with sexuality being introduced too young and maturing too quickly. This is the issue with same age partners having different maturity levels based on their upbringing, besides all the other issues this generation faces. I am in a weird place of trying to allow my husband room to grow and become his own person but also not projecting my other experiences in an attempt to shape him. I don’t like testing him but in a sense I have to because I have to see where our limits are. I feel like that will be construed negatively. I am trying to bring out his best without telling him who he is. It’s a tough role for a wife to take on, it’s what woman have to do but this works better in mother child relationships and I noticed the slight gap he has with his mom. It’s a process of character development. The path to spiritual enlightenment is a powerful initiator of maturity and an expanded world view. I personally believe integrating it into education will be miraculous for how much good it would do for the world in couple generations.
Sure our childlike curiosity to discover new things and all those good things shouldn’t fade, but rather be integrated into an adult personality that is capable of disciplined action. Since the rise of Western Patriarchy, teenage lust-fueled drives for pleasure has become the marker for greatness and every leader since Alexander the Great has wanted their dick to go as many places as his did. His mythology is the Christ of the West with it’s legacy. This young Hellenistic man went far and wide with his empire spreading the european seed and ensuring the genetic survival of the Caucasians. Next came Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin and Uncle Sam. Sex is absolutely the driver for colonialism. White people get weak at the knees of the developed sexuality of the African and Asian races. Rape and sex was used as a taming device for women and men for a long period in ancient european sects. It’s why western cultural influence has triggered sex crimes in other countries that aren’t compatible with the ideology. It’s why the impact of slavery in the US has left such a deep scar, it’s extremely visible. It’s why Greek cults in the university system involves sex rituals and hazing. Marriages of noble children is using sex for peace and mutually assured stability, until one of them finds the other repulsive for some reason and a war breaks out. Sexual trauma at any age is inextricably linked to psychological disorders. When something is wrong with the way we think about sex, it is a biological system so it affects how we consider our biology and acknowledging our biology is how we make sure we are psychologically sound. When there is a miscommunication with the mind and body, our spirit isn’t sync and we become mentally and physically ill. It is very large part of staying well.
It makes perfect sense, but people have been shamed for a long time about sexuality that healthy conversations about it can’t be accomplished. In What is Sex by Alenka Zunpancic, he takes sex apart psychologically because psychiatric doctors have been ignoring it to the detriment of all of society. Sex is so complicated you have to keep asking what is it in a Peterson style. What does it mean, what does it involve, when should you be having it? Should we be having it as casually or are restrictions on sex draconian? Why even have sex? To an alien like me, I’m only trying to fit in with humanity but it seems humanity have been stuck on this for an overlong period of time. To me it seems like sex in all categories creates more problems no matter what kind of perspective I have on it. I’m certainly am not dim to think that having a personal perspective on sex justifies me to act in whatever why I feel, I tried that already and that creates too much heartache on both parties. I still want sex obviously. I still want to have sex with my husband. However his view on sex is much different than mine since he has yet to evolve past a semi-adolescent arousal level. I don’t want to just fuck other men because I would be spreading my energy between multiple men and I just don’t have time to give my attention away anymore for a trivial delight and go back home to resent my husband for his noted inadequacies that are more than fixable. I want to be in a devoted commited relationship and I have gone the distance to make it so, yet it feels like it’s all for nothing if my husband is going to continue to self pleasure. I don’t masturbate often, I don’t feel like I should have to because I’m married and we should be devoting our erotic pleasures to each other yet that is not what is happening and I’ve explained this to my husband several times but he can’t get it because he isn’t an adult in the brain yet. (I don’t expect him to read this either because he’s still petulant). What is a woman to do in this situation? I can’t just focus on raising the children because that is a tag team adventure and he isn’t fatherly as a result of his juvenile masculinity. It’s rather unfortunate for mothers of this era trying to raise good kids but men aren’t exactly matured like they used to. It’s like GMO fruits, they’re manufactured to just grow and be eaten in a hurry. They don’t get tended and matured appropriately so they have all the nutrients and flavors of nature. Western society has created this same type of culture for it’s citizens. Terrence McKenna addressed this state of neotony as well. The west is operating under a Oeidpus complex. The silenced victim has been the fertile maiden. Who has for generations just tried to keep her tribe going as her mother has always taught her but our mothers were from a time when men had to be reliable fathers and build the foundation by their own hands with the pillars being their family with the alliance of their neighbors. It takes a village to raise a family is a fact. We try to individuate children from ourselves but we can’t kick them out unprepared. Yes a child is a separate being from us but we have to teach and protect that child into an adult. So many children are failing adults because there are no adults to teach them and now it’s babies raising babies, still seeking a figure to take the responsibility off their shoulders.
When I hear “God is dead, and we have killed him”, that sings so loudly of the Oedipul complex of the nihilstic west. The Europeon has killed the God that showed them the way to civility and raped the mother earth that birthed him from her own loins. Locked out of heaven, they attempt to turn all of Earth into pleasure island and while attempting to keep out the grasps of the Coachmen, turning the rest of us into asses for his pleasure. It’s time for the debt to return to original debtor.
The western men are broken but it is not through their own fault and women of the west are going to have to be merciful towards this population. I had a vision during this time about the forces of the masculine and feminine making love to create peace. The problem is nobody knows how to make love anymore, everyone is just fucking for pleasure. Making Love is so much more, it’s what’s romanticized about eternally about having that moment with that special someone and climaxing together. A romcom is porn for women because it’s not about the sexual act at the end, it’s getting to that which is the real arousal. I keep reminding my husband that I need to be aroused in some kind of way to have enjoyable sex. There’s a reason why it’s called being turned on. Men and women obviously have different ideas about arousal but for a relationship with sex to work, we should definitely have the same ideas about getting there. I am learning to become clear about what I want with sex after operating my vagina like a penis for most of my sexual identity. Just whipping it out is not an invitation for sex for either genitalia. I used to throw my pussy around and whenever it didn’t work on getting my ends met I’d be upset. Just like how my husband acts like a hurt puppy when him pulling his dick while we’re just watching a movie without even a booty rub doesn’t get his dick sucked. So he returns immediately to masturbation again instead of just realizing the social cue that he didn’t give me a real invitation to sex, it was just his dick deciding to demand attention, and he would give it the attention it wanted all the time. I would question why I thought my husband was gay despite his over excited dick. I got the notion that whatever or whenever got his dick hard he would immediately seek out ejaculation. He was in military and being in close quarters with men of this similar type just reeks of closeted homoerotic interactions, especially when I once attended a party with his pals; it felt more like I was in a gay bar and his buddy referred to him as a “stud” while my husband refused to meet my gaze. We make the same assumptions about men who are in prison longer than 2 years. Crude humor about prison rape is built into society, because we are subconsciously aware that there are men with untamed sexuality. Also after making deeper psychological connections to biology I realized more than a few things about our psycho-sexual nature. Homosexuality is fundamentally an attraction to pleasure and attention. Transsexuality is a personality disorder born out of sexual role confusion and western society’s illness of strict gender roles. Let me clear that this is only a casual described diagnosis of societal influence and I’m not implying that the LGBT community are morally wrong. The strictness and various sects within the LGBT community are imploding because they attempt to ignore the psychological reality just like the rest of western culture. While the feminine more innately understands her sexuality but has to deal with strange social pressure, the masculine sexuality has been scattered wide and hardly organized. The bible is a sex guide for men actually. That’s why religion and sexuality have been so closely tied and society has been taken over by men who want to proclaim they have the biggest genitals without actually showing them off, but whoever wins has to bow before it and submit to it’s whim. Because acts of civilized barbarism have become fashion, they thought themselves the subordinators of women. Society forgets that it was the woman who tamed civilization. The woman is everything the man cares about. Like the uneducated loaf he is, he will still think bashing you over the head and dragging you home is romantic. He’s just showing you he wants you right? Women forgot how to be good mothers that raise children to realize that showing kindness is a better way to act in the world for everyone.
Even when I was being reckless with my psuedo dick, guys would at least finger me and kiss on my neck to at least activate my nerves for what was about to happen next. I also knew what I didn’t want very early on after a few negative experiences. The “whip out” is an old tired move that is patently gross due to entirely selfish mode of acting. Being forced to act on the whipped out dick while I’m staring at it confused why all of a sudden a new body part has appeared is slightly traumatizing. Is this is really arousing to be forced to act just because it is out and erect? I admit to climbing on my husband’s erection, I usually quit about halfway through because his disinterest is just a turn off. Male rape by female is laughed at because the penis is supposed to be in control during sex. To have a woman want your penis is supposed to be the best thing, but as shown by husbands it’s not the most fulfilling thing if masturbation still beats out the woman who decided to stick with only your penis forever or committing adultery. There have been times I felt like I’ve abused my husband because of our diverging views on sex and there’s been times I’ve felt more used than pleased by him. I don’t like the feeling on either side, it’s not a good one. I understand why people who have sexual experiences that feel like a sexual assault on the other side. It’s still both parties fault for going through with an sexual act when you aren’t well versed in body language, especially your own body. We need to learn about our bodies more carefully and how to openly express discomfort and pleasure.
I already explained the men of this era aren’t well taught in the ways of Masculinity, which now is built on the virtues of sexual conquest and dominance hierachies of tyranny, and the Romance was the lie/unfulfilled wish given to the Feminine. Now the female expression of sexuality is shattered reflections of what the egoistic masculine desires. The “pick me” culture is a tumor growing on the psyche of the wounded feminine. Doing whatever society says the man wants but when she discovers the male that society produces she is greatly dissatisfied. Promiscuity is a virtue western patriarchy has nailed to its board to ensure that all men now have the chance to sleep around with consenting women. Implying the women understand male sexuality as well as her own, which she can’t if she is overly nympho-manic or dangerously introverted. Consenting adults sleeping around would be no problem IF there were actual educated adults operating individually in society. This generation and the next are going to have figure out what exactly is sex to evolve or we’ll be forced back to the beginning. It’s like trying to grow food. A plant will sprout in soil water and sun, but it needs a delicate balance to actually grow to maturity and ripen. It’s the garden of eden all over again. The women plucks the sweet fruit for her mate but the man fails to recognize the nourishing sweetness so he has to go out and learn it the hard way and become a farmer himself so he understands how hard it actually is to grow a crop from a single seed. The man is the seed and the woman is the earth, a seed in her will grow surely but it must be tended with genuine love and guiding discipline. The man who has a successful harvest is similar in fashion to a woman who gives birth at home. The Divinity in creation.
Everyone has been suffering for a long time because society just moves past sex with hardly a second look and now it has manifested into “look at my sexual deviancy” displays since the sexual liberation movement which sprung out of psychedelic culture naturally as those thinkers were trying to unblock what western culture kept trying to suppress. Like a dam, all it’s done is flood culture with oversexualization. Like Freud remarked, suppression and repression just explodes into other facets of life. It is important we heal this aspect so moving forward we can stop pushing young people to their watery deaths but in a boat with a map. If a happy married life is impossible because there’s a major issue that has been refused to be addressed at a cultural level, we are dooming our entire species. There is nothing more important on this planet right now than this. Love has to be understood, it must be understood that Love is not sex and sex is not Love. So the meaning of “making love” goes down the drain but it should be. We have to get rid of a lot of useless English, it’s like a self generating ooze. Sexuality is complex but society has overcomplicated it by adding on a bunch of nonsense without even seeing what sex is first. I can hardly see what it is and my husband definitely has a blurred meaning on it. He told me recently about a nightmare, his words, about a woman giving him a massage but she was also trying to give him a hand job. He didn’t remember the full dream but I find it fitting the narrative of our current sex troubles. With this issue, how do we repair it? Flood damage sucks because it damages the foundation and erodes what was already there, then there’s deadly molds and mildew. You have to throw away whatever else got soaked. When an instance of incest happens, what do families do in that situation? It is another unspoken topic in sexuality because all the other sex talk gets shut down and then it starts to squeeze out into sexual deviancy that are just spread like the deadly spores in mold. You can’t just paint over it and keep leaving in that house as if the air is all of sudden clear and safe to breathe. The mold is every where and it still stinks of mildew even though you put new carpet down and buy a new air freshener every week. The mold is in the floors, walls and ceiling. It’s in the cracks in the foundation. One day it will silently kill the entire family like a broken carbon monoxide detector.
The answer to all this is Love and Truth of course, but we have to understand what that means and it means doing a lot of retreading over all that was blown apart in the last century. We have to mature and realize what really needs to be focused on. Sex is powerful and I’ll be reading Tantra to finish this channeling of my sacral chakra. Right now, sex and love need to be understood separately and then together again. A lot of people these days are confused and I feel it. Our generation has to understand that this route culture has taken as a whole is tricking many of us who have good hearts into twisting it for evil delights. I will expand on frequencies later on but we have been led down the path right to hell by money and power interests. Our sexual attention abused and turned into easy bait. We have to take back our sexuality by not allowing it to be used in media like it is now. Exposure to children is way too easy and it’s an addiction. The perverts on twitter who want to see cartoon lesbians kiss on cartoon network don’t understand child psychology. I don’t even approve of heterosexual mouth kissing. You have to think about sexuality in the mind of a child. It is the first sexual act a adolescent would engage in. It’s also the repressed age of the pronoun demanding crowd on twitter, so no wonder they want porn to exist for them as well. It’s weird to insert that level of sexuality into a children’s cartoon that should be light-hearted fun without the heavy breathing in the background. It was certainly weird when the powerpuff girl writer did it. Even more weird that writers seriously take advice from that Hellscape. Kids don’t think about sex and don’t need to at all times like perverted adults. It would do well not to encourage that behavior so sex culture improves because we aren’t obsessed with it anymore. People are so obsessed with sex nowadays and its value is being misunderstood. It has powerful significance for couples in love, it creates life, it heals and soothes when positively engaged in, and it feels amazing physically. It feels so good and it is so precious. It’s why trading virgins for peace was commonplace in the old days and why rape has always been a high crime despite the 3rd wave feminists hysteria about so-called rape allegations. Positively encouraging virginity will be easy since gen z is already disillusioned about sex it seems by current statistics. It’s not about chasing pleasure or happiness when it comes to love. You will be happy and pleased when you are with loved ones. I find that being pleased with myself makes it so much easier to love.
Part 3 of this journey will be about flow, tantra and creative forces and the complexity of the female orgasm. I feel I’m really getting to through so much. My solar plexus and throat chakra are getting awakened and my heart is resonating so much more. I feel inspired to make this saga into a book just because of how many words I put out. I’ll sort that out once I finish all 9 chakras. It will definitely take a while being a stay at home parent with no vacation time. I’m so envious that Nietzsche wrote Zarathustra in 10 days because he was allowed to be alone and undisturbed. I bet I could write my book like a madwoman in 14 days. If Freddie was crazy like I think he was, he probably already had the story waiting fully formed in his head and just needed to express it in one go. The masterpieces waiting to be expressed floating around the minds of computer addicted youth must be a little sad. The stories I’m ready to tell are prepared to deploy into text and paint if I can find a studio near me.
I’m writing this revision and update during the covid-19 quarantine so y’all stay safe and don’t fall into total hysteria. This is a great time to neighborhoods to come together more. Lots of love.