What the Fuck is Going on?
What the Fuck is Wrong with You?
I still have Rage. It still smolders justifiably. I am just trying to put that energy towards usefulness because it’ll just implode me.
Sometimes I get the flare of anger and it washes out the rest of my energy and I’m left drained because I don’t really have a grasp on transferring the anger into something else. I can do it when it comes to cleaning but I’m at this impasse of frustration and exhaustion. I get too angry to make any use of the energy because my thoughts get all hot and foggy. My body gets cramps and agitated. Then my emotions take a swirl for chaos.
I so badly just need this to work but I know it’s residual.
Why did you take all my Love and Lie to me?
How could you do that?
I’m just incapable of purposeful cruelty like what I’ve experienced in my life. I have nothing else to attribute to the trauma dealt to me except recognizing that evil exists in all corners. The corrupting of Mankind is because of a false belief that a Man can “Become” a God. Men become myths and myths become theology. Must be why priests keep raping children and accepting lavish gifts from powers that wish to maintain a foothold with the approval of charlatans in togas.
Why can’t we just be safe all the time?
Why have we turned on each other?
In the end times, all kinds of horrors will come to the surface. I wonder if I’m just here as punishment. to wave carrots in my face, when I take a nibble it’s snatched away. I reach hoping for nourishment but it is poisonous fake meat. In my life, these kinds of torturous contradictions keep occurring in a cycle. I’m not even sure I’m all the way off of that wheel of trauma in this life. I’m just expecting so horrible to happen again and I really just don’t want to live anymore with the pain and anger. I try with struggle to make sense of anything in this confusing and consuming world. I get so angry then I get tears in my eyes from how futile it is to even be angry but I have nothing else to do about that reality. The people who hurt me and my children, then there’s the greater enemy that created this entire situation.
Will I ever stop suffering from existence?
Is it really supposed to be THIS bad?
Life is suffering because our faculties are not able to comprehend the beyond and the Greater cycles. There’s a serious imbalance on this planet. People getting all fucked up and then hurting each other. It’s so rampant that it feels like Hell is always around the corner, demons popping up from manholes and abandoned buildings to snatch you down. I hate feeling this hopeless but sometimes the kindling starts to accumulate after lengthy periods of ignoring the horror of the world.
Do people truly want to be free?
Have the Western powers sold our souls to their fantasized demiurge?
Money is truly evil. It taints everything. The truth is free. Simply living is free. Yet we’ve been deceived into it again on this planet. It was enforced literally at gunpoint or we faced genocide. We are still dealing with escaping genocide at the hands of poverty. It literally does not compute that the financial system exists like this. Without the IMF, we would never have to worry. Because humans just do stuff without being financially incentivized. Now every aspect of our lives becomes a commodity. How are relationships even genuine anymore when finances control so many parts of our lives? They bind our physical bodies to unsatisfying and arduous labor and refuse a rate of pay that would accomplish the so-called American dream.
We must beg to get help from others. While the self-proclaimed powerful few hoard wealth and resources from the world. This happening on the stage of the Earth has us all in a tentative position to extreme chaos breaking. Inflation seems like a direct attack on the psyche of the people. This amount of financial stress is stupid, it seems like a childish scheme but they have barricaded themselves with nukes pointed at the gate, still with their hands out for our taxes. The system is so embedded in the people’s minds. They are losing hope and can only see the way towards a delusional Zion or informal Suicide.
What Do I Do?
We ask ourselves when lucidity steps forward.
I have a “Save the World” playbook divinely received but I have to wait to express it. I am crafting it together and it will be needed but accepting that this world is fucked leaves me in a state of pity. Could my ideas really be useful? Will they truly listen and we come up with a strategy to expand? To solve the great problems on the planet with a way out from capitalism feels like my highest duty or am I being way too ambitious? but that is how important is it for us to do these things. One Man can make a difference. That was Christ. That was Moses. and for some reason, I’m here now and I don’t feel hubristic to think of myself on that same level of importance and spiritually developed but I am though. It would be lying to myself.
How can I deal with my emotions? I need to really feel them. What does that really feel like? After years of numbness, what am I feeling? After a lifetime of dissatisfaction, contentment is a strange limbo, the adjustment period to paradise.
My feelings used to be more easily expressed when my hands could keep up with my mind a lot faster and my hand did not cramp or be so clumsy. The loss of feeling, the numbness that came with my horrible marriage numbed my body to my senses and I became overly cerebral to cope. I struggled to satisfy my creative urges or I let them collapse into the lap of another man. My senses are not dulled rather they have fallen out of practice but as I grow in my ability again, the world is becoming less terrifying but still intimidating.
What actually gives me life?
Sex is not for sale. It’s free energy only. Turning it into a commodity is a turn-off for me.
Why bring that negative vibe of expected lies and no returns for a broken heart abandoned anonymously in the dark
I’m no mere object, I am a marvel beyond description, any price tag cheapens my quality
I am met with frustration of having relationships, the friction that is bound to occur. I must be assertive in my relationship enough to prove my worth. to refuse to diminish myself without being too boastful.
I have this craving calling in me to pay attention to it, for it to be given the attention it wants. but what exactly is that for me, what is your voice calling out? denying it is denying myself and well well-being. The fear of expression is hard-coded and takes effort to overcome. the veil is sticking.
Perfection is a monster that remains permanently unsatiated by its very nature of nothing being good enough for it. It runs amok screeching over every micro-aggression and causes me to ignore my actual needs and I accidently overlook my true feelings. This is the gateway to the villain arc. If you were to be consumed by the desire to control life to its finest particle.
I think I get even more internally conflicted by it because I possess an immense amount of power and I don’t want to wield it in the wrong way but it must be or it will corrode and activate in a part of myself I don’t want.
Comfort in my power, the pleasure it gives me but not feeling ashamed or guilty about it. I worry about showing too much of my energy and turning off people around me. but I’m a powerful being. none of us should suppress it, it needs to be trained and honed.
Aquarius United 