I’ve thought about what it means to be evil. I would wonder if I’m just evil, not able to ever be clean of my doings no matter my repentance.
I obsess over cleanliness. Is that just my Virgo moon nature, or is my head turned away from the Sodom still aching with guilt. I fear falling off the path I’ve climbed this far, but I sometimes wonder if I’ve truly made the good choice because of my natural evil tendencies.
I suppose the suffering of humanity is a part of the growth process, but sometimes I feel too good. I know there is a danger in that, but I know some things have happened, and I purposely dropped out for the sake of peace. Was that really a good decision? I trust my intuition, but old habits of doubt are hard to die. Right now, I’m doubting if I’m good. I think because what I’m aiming at is so anti-establishment seems evil by that perspective and if I’m not careful in how I handle my goals it could easily turn evil and my efforts be twisted into ideology for horrible acts. I wonder if I’m not evil, are the people who oppose me evil? I certainly think so. But maybe that is just my low-level awareness of what is good and evil. I tasted evil very early in life.
The shadow of it continues to chase me. I have to face it fully, and it will be painful to do. I’m not really sure, though. I am not around people who are even aware of their imbalance. I worry about showing my real self sometimes. I smoke to stay chill, but I am overdoing it? It does interfere with my focus. But for my relationships, it’s the basis. I prefer to stay lifted, so I keep having fun with everyone. I remember before I ever smoked, people would still think I was high. I wonder about remembering who I am fully.
This world really makes you crazy about how you were naturally born. I don’t know how to translate this balance of life. Hierophant and temperance and great examples though. They are my birth cards. Striking that center is difficult in this life. I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel aimless yet clearly defined in my goals. God and the devil watching me closely but close enough to engage in a tug of war and menage a trois. Good and evil, light and dark. The dragon and the princess as one.
I don’t feel conflicted with my fealty to true love, though. I know engaging in hateful actions would be for the worse. So am I good for having a perspective to keep my sights on moral principles? But am I evil for wanting to be good so strongly? I don’t want to do anything evil, but is it though? This is why we have to go beyond the idea of that structure. We are both also in control when we are awake. Sometimes, they see the good guy as the bad guy. There’s the worry of becoming a tyrant because there’s such strong opposition to ideas. We assume that the good ideas will make it to the top, but not when it has to compete with the games of the evil who cheat on their own rules. The game of cheaters is a shitty one.
I worry about so-called power and influence. I humbled myself in the power of the Creator and Christ, and I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to outshine them (as if). They are the source of light. I worry a little about what people will say. Rumors are dangerous, but luckily, I didn’t worry about it before, and I see no reason why I should now. I’m always protected. But what about the people around me.
The castle I want to build on this foundation must be a natural repellent to snakes, but I can’t up any walls to keep anyone in or out. I’m not a warden and groundskeeper all in one. The tribe that surrounds my heart and stewardship in my relationships is the fortification.
Aquarius United 