A Letter on Love

The nature of True Love. So mysterious and desired. Yet it is so easy to fall in love. We know what it is and at the same time we do not. Well we can go a scientific route and start eliminating what it isn’t.

Love is not sex or sexual. Love is not tyrannical. It also isn’t chaotic. It isn’t a commodity. It has no physical form and cannot be measured by instruments.

It is a sensation. Faster than the speed of light, love can be shared in dreams completely unseen. We sense it by feeling a certain glow from someone close to us. If your receptors are attuned, you can sense it around you or even from across the globe if the other is on your frequency. It transcends our understanding of physics and philosophy. Perhaps my favorite and best explanation of Love is the myth of Eros and Psyche.

Love is a mystery to me. I have feelings of love, but I don’t understand it. I’ll make a hot take and say that I assume others feel this way as well. I love my family. I would never wish any harm on them and wish they would be protected under the umbrella of my love. I love my kids so much that their lives have more value than mine and I’d rather give my life to protect them. I love my husband dearly that I’m willing to give up some worldly desires to be with him. I love my friends and I would do much to encourage and empathize with them.

Recently, I learned that telling the truth is a higher form of love. Truth is power without domination. Truth is even harder to describe. You can lie about love. There is nothing that can defeat truth. You can’t lie about the truth. Whatever falls on the sword of truth will reveal its true form or destroy it. When you test out Love, it can be wrapped up in emotions and physical sensation. There is no test to truth, it holds up against any storm or attack, just like the pyramids. Some think they are telling the truth by over intellectualizing which fogs the original inquiry, some just haven’t been asked the right questions that lead to the truth.

We even say True Love. It is a combination of Truth and Love. It really does conquer all. Nothing is more powerful than those forces. We can’t have truth without love, nor vice versa. Real love can’t exist without both partners truthfully agreeing on the relationship. It’s a tale as old as courtship. Tell me you love me as much as I love you, tell the truth about your true feelings and intentions and don’t you dare lie to me or there will be hell to pay. The truth will eventually come out no matter how much you’ve obscured it. Some patient partners will painfully play along until what they knew was true eventually reveals itself. They both start lying to each other going along with the manipulation until someone has an opening to strike true with the blade.

“You never truly loved me, you were with me for; “material gains, pleasure, selfishly clinging on to avoid loneliness, an unhealthy sense of obligation or some nuanced pathological reason. One stands with their mouth agape unable to deny what has been revealed, stumbling over words.

There’s something about Love that makes us as vulnerable as children. Children love so easily their parents and siblings. So long as they aren’t betrayed, they will be open to loving anyone along their path. The reason we have to warn kids about strangers is because we know they will go along with someone who lies about being a loving person. So, when someone close to the child breaks this bond of trust and love, it will shatter a child’s innate knowledge of Love and Truth with deep psychological effects.

On this subject, it is extremely cruel what this world has become to gleefully break the trust of children. Religious based societies and western civilization have totally gone off the rails when it comes to this. It has become far too common to hear about sexual abuse of children. I do not even have words to describe how horrific that is. It happened to me and I can hardly even fathom why it did or for what reason except as a cruel twist of fate so I can relate the story now just so others can understand how severe it was to my personality and psyche. I don’t even know the right words to describe it except as horrifying when I look back on it. I have gone through several meditations and will be going back to therapy to finish putting myself back together. It is too painful to go through in this post because I am working on a proper dissection of it. However, my innocent love was betrayed beginning at 7 years old and my trust in men was broken for a very long time.

Loving my husband has been so hard for me and especially for him enduring the pain I was causing him because he still believed in me and loved me more than I did myself. I couldn’t trust him because I learned at the beginning of my consciousness that men were not to be trusted. Not only from the abuse at the hands of adult men I was supposed to trust, but the boys in high school who only wanted one thing and because I was already exposed to it I went with it because I thought that’s all they wanted. My mother constantly reminded me that my father was an untrustworthy man, her first husband was verbally and mentally abusive and her famous line was that all men were dogs. More often then not men would prove these sentiments true when I would find myself with men who most certainly had wives or girlfriends. I almost resigned myself to becoming a lesbian over this, but I find relationships with women difficult to handle since I’m not emotionally sensitive. My husband has issue with it as well, but I have been working on expressing my feelings in a less brash way. Even now, I find it hard that he loves me, and I have this deep fear that he’s been lying this whole time and all my love will have gone to waste so to speak. I also fear creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. A terrifying thought process, nothing scares me more than that happening to me. I would probably go completely schizophrenic if it he actually did that. I need constant reassurance that he really means it. I know mentally that he’s sick of it and I’m even sick of it but if I don’t get that, the thought process starts circling again and the nightmares come back. Not feeling good enough for him or for anybody, then I fall into the abyss again of worthlessness where nobody can pull me out of except God. Seriously, if I didn’t have the Truth of my purpose, I would not have made it this far and continue to keep walking towards it.

They say God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. Mother Theresa once said she wished God didn’t trust her so much. It’s so much I’ve been entrusted with. My survival is a truly miracle.

That’s the truth about love. I learned that Love can’t exist without truth. You can’t fully love anyone else without knowing your own truth and without them knowing their own. We make a huge mistake believing that we find our true love by searching for a mate that “completes” us.  We should know our whole truth and love ourselves first. Then we will automatically attract the partner who is also whole. We shouldn’t be attempting to bullshit ourselves into a perfect match for another because that will only become a mess eventually. Loving another human will never be perfect but it is much more successful when you are as complete as you can be so you can walk the path together. You need to unlock all the parts of your individual self before you should attempt to cleave unto another. It’s like you skipping the level up process before the next part of the game. Then you realize that you are actually missing skills you need for this portion, but you can’t backtrack at this point. A non-gamer metaphor would be like getting involved into a 3 year long relationship and at some point realizing that you still carry a complex from your childhood that’s affecting how you relate to your partner and now you don’t know how to what to do with yourself because you need like 6 months of isolated activity to sort it out. However, once you figure it out, you realize your partner isn’t right for you because you got together based on that previous complex and staying together would either be toxic, or they would have to go through their own process. Either way, it may result in a split in the end. It’s the story of many Gen X divorcees. Women initiate divorces more commonly since we realize where something has gone wrong first usually. Having a little more neuroticism is helpful in discerning bad situations and we just instinctively flee from it whether real or ill perceived. With the common thread of generational traumas, it doesn’t really surprise me to see the same stories being played out over and over. I don’t know if we ever fully get past our traumatic scars, but it certainly is difficult to do it as a couple when it hasn’t been touched in 10 or 20 years. Like I stated earlier, it’s even difficult to put it into language. It is the truth that must be talked honestly from anyone involved though.

We also find it difficult to be honest with our friends. We seek validation and approval from someone who wasn’t involved in our past and try to pave a new road with knew experiences, but if you don’t manage those weeds they’ll just come up and overtake your path. I have done a lot of work on myself to realize that most people are just hiding from themselves. Many people are too afraid to look at their shadow. Some people allow their shadow to overtake them. I’m very humble but I think I’ve gained a lot of balance since starting this repair on my personality, certainly enough to realize that the difference in temperaments in others and noticing where they are imbalanced at. One of my best friends is severely imbalanced due to her upbringing and I tried to give her some advice on how she could improve in a gentle way. It always triggered her anger and I stopped talking to her recently. I was always carrying a part of her weight for her and I couldn’t keep doing that for her. We carried a lot for each other growing up, but I learned how to hold myself up and I learned how to open up to love. It hurt me a lot that she couldn’t see I was trying to help her, but I can’t do the work for her, nobody else could nor would distractions like smoking weed. I love to smoke as well but I stopped letting it be my crutch and can enjoy it as a recreation like you’re supposed to. I don’t want to contradict myself, so I’ll make it clear. We can change who we are, but not by killing a part of ourselves but balancing and transforming our aspects. In astrology, there are no bad aspects but energies that can lift you up or weigh you down if you aren’t conscious of it. Same with the Jungian shadow, it will overtake your life if you aren’t aware of its growing influence. When you realize that and start perceiving how you act truthfully, it illuminates your whole life. It is scary and will cause heavy feelings about your Self but if you remember why you are doing it, for truth and love, it will make it worth it. You literally free yourself from the heavy bonds you gave yourself. Our parents were deeply flawed and did not pass this knowledge onto us, but we can pass it on not only to our children but to our adult friends and family as well.

I recently watched Sleeping Beauty and Pinocchio again and those stories speak on truth and love from 2 different perspectives. Sleeping Beauty being the romantic love and Pinocchio more about familial love. Truth and pure Love being the saving grace in each story. Honestly Walt Disney understood this motif very deeply when overseeing the creation of the original stories. It wasn’t about physical or material love, selfishness or pride. The Love that exists on a higher frequency that you can catch if you are tuned into it. The Truth that could be interpreted through a clear lens. I’m not going to do a “Maps of Meaning” about it right now but I grew up watching Disney classics and I understand the language. The love expressed between the couples in the princess tales were about dreamlike state being brought to reality, what person doesn’t dream of their soul mate? Not driven by animal urges but a connection at a higher consciousness of a certain maturity. In Pinocchio, during the puppet show, it gives reference to the immature sexual desires of young men of having multiple foreign women. He’s far too young to understand it but it tells how we make young men believe that bedding multiple women makes them masculine but they’re just puppets of their own desires. The movies also speak on family love. Aurora’s parents were too fearful and instead of raising up their daughter to be strong against maleficent, she gets spoiled by living with the fairies and is easily tempted into the trap. I saw the spinning wheel as a form of fate like in Carrie her mother never tells her about men, sex or menses. Philip is also without a mother it appears in the tale and he needs the guidance of the fairies to help him defeat maleficent. So, without a healthy balance of the masculine and feminine in either of their lives, they would be doomed to fail in the reality of chaos and obstacles. Pinocchio learns after the episode with Stromboli that he won’t get help from his celestial mother again and that he must figure his battles on his own from now on. Which is important because he has to save his father using his own wits and the strength of his character and the love for his father. As much as I love the musical Little Mermaid and Pocahontas, they put their selfish curiosity and desires above their family which might have cost more than what it was worth. Especially with the literal story of Pocahontas being what it was. True Love, not Egotistical Desires, conquers all. Those stories could’ve been written very differently to show that message instead of seeking only a sexual romantic direction. There’s a better way of sharing the message of cross-cultural love without a forced romance. It would’ve taught a better message if instead of offering up the young women’s sexuality as a ticket, but instead an invitation to come into the community and learning from each other. That’s whole other rabbit hole though that quickly gets political. But that is the problem with not sharing truth and love with each other.

It’s starts in our childhood, which is why it’s so important to protect children from manipulation, deceptions and other evils. We should show children the truth and love that they are expecting. Stop passing down the cynical pain of adulthood. We must let kids be kids genuinely. I’m not advocating for no restrictions on kids otherwise they’ll just into psychopaths. However, gentle and strict disciplines and genuine knowledge to give them the balance they need to mature. My experience as a parent makes it clear that from the very moment of conception, children have a consciousness. My babies were talking to me from within the womb, even if it was just our instincts, we were communicating. Being aware of this made the love grow even stronger for me. I thought how I ever betray this being that loved me immediately without seeing their faces. How could I not love my kids? Why would anyone treat a precious human being so cruelly as I’ve seen so many times before and especially after what happened to me? I promised God with each of my babies that I would not fail on loving my children and teaching them the truth. Not the kind of cruel truths of complex adulthood that my mom gave to me and confused me even more. However real Truths of respect, kindness, fairness and responsibility. I’m not perfect in this but I know that I’m doing my best to be as honest as possible for the sake of Love and passing on the torch of Truth. That’s also a Truth, none of us, even the highest angel, are not perfect. That does not mean we should not do our best in this lifetime because the aim is to keep perfecting ourselves until we are united with Spirit again.

I said in my last post that I was totally in love with Jordan Peterson. I seem to have this problem of falling in Love with people who stimulate me intellectually. I’ve been in love with a doctor who is much older than me before. I still smile thinking about him. I fell very hard for him. He is the catalyst for my poetic streak. He awakened so much in my mind that I definitely would not have gotten from any man my age. I didn’t think I would when we first started hanging out, but he made me laugh and we would talk about so many different things even difficult things. When the Mike Brown incident happened that caused a record-skip, but I got over it easily considering that issue wasn’t bigger than our relationship. We would have lots of playful arguments. I always had a deep interest in medicine so I impressed him with my level of self-education, and he didn’t over inflate my ego because he would point my immature habits as well but without belittling me. It was a magical moment when I saw the twinkle in his eyes, and I knew I was done for in that moment. I self-destructed. I learned a lot about myself from that along with other things going on in my life at that point. You can’t get wise without some experience; it was surely a mistake I’ve made in one of my past lives as well.

I always had a fondness for my husband since our senior year of high school. He told me he loved me entirely too soon I feel, which is a slight reason why I fear us falling out. He stayed focused on me though even when we split up and he went to the military. I love that he still had this faith in us working out when I had no faith in anything. I love that he does work hard and think about me. He told me about a time when we were younger that the guys were talking down about me and he didn’t take part in it and defended my honor though I felt like I had none. I always felt like I should’ve been worthless to him because of my history. I see it all the time all over the internet that men will talk so much shit about women because they aren’t as chaste as they would like them to be or not emotionally available. I’m very happy he doesn’t subscribe to that kind of toxicity and gave me all the chances I needed to mature in my ability to give him devoted love. I encourage him to mature now and treat me like the woman I know I am now. Now he must mature a lot of his ways of behavior and update his thinking that he didn’t receive growing up. We all must learn that the divine masculine and feminine are equal parts in Love and becomes One in Spirit. Romantic Love is about understanding and connecting at a higher level. It is not only about what we feel physically, because before we even get there we must connect in our dreams if you understand what I mean by that. My husband is much more stubborn obviously so it’s going to take him a while to get to this point but I’m patient for him like he was for me. It would be unnecessarily cruel to give up on him after all his patience with me. He has great potential and I know that I would be the only one who could help him unlock it. Even if he decided that I wasn’t right for him after all, it would still be good because we both would have found our true selves. It would be preferable that we really are meant for each other in our completed forms. That is the ultimate beauty of true love and being able to let go. Whatever is the result of the truth would be the best thing to happen. Whatever you do out of pure love, will have the best effect.

Gaining this fat crush on Dr. Peterson has taught me so much. Our shared affinity for Carl Jung was an interesting discovery. Jung was my favorite psychologist when I first started reading psychology textbooks and studying astrology in middle school. If it wasn’t for Jung, I would not have figured out that I’m not crazy for the way I think. Peterson also makes my heart flutter by his use of language. The poetic way he explains abstract concepts creates clear images to me and that’s just straight romance. Whenever I do disagree with something, it’s because he doesn’t go far enough into the visual. I understand he’s an academic but I want him to unleash his true visions I know he’s holding back on or either he’s just not stepping out far enough in his imagination or it could just be my perspective and I wish I could share with him where he could extend or re-imagine some concepts. I fantasize way too much about the long conversations we could have. I fantasized about sleeping with him probably twice but only just to think what it would be like but I stopped thinking about pretty quickly because 1, it was far more unlikely to happen since we’re both happily married and I don’t want to manifest heartbreak, 2, I’m in love with his mind. I’m sure I would be sufficed with one kiss but I’m not even going to let my mind wander into the physical temptations like that ha-ha. I don’t want to give the wrong impression either that I’m letting my animal desires drive me when it’s the synchronicity that has brought me here anyway. Maybe I’m being too honest here, but I already stated how I feel about telling the truth and I love how my husband kisses me.


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