Why am I a Shaman?

   I am a Shaman Initiate. That is what I’ve discovered is the best suited role for this incarnation. I came to understand this through reflection and meditation.

I have wanted to be a doctor growing up as I was always interested in helping others feel better or just learning more about people. I narrowed it down to becoming a clinical psychologist when I got older. I also have a passion for expression. I loved the arts. literature, painting, dancing. I was an early reader; I was proficient by 4. A born storyteller when it came to creative writing. I doodled on everything and loved to sketch all the time. Around good friends, I always light up. I am more confident with good high vibing friends. Others around me have told me that I bring a special glowing energy to any situation. I do very well socially even with strangers. I have a gift of gab, so I’ve been told. I have a great relationship with nature. I love being outdoors and wished I could live with nature, like in a treehouse or a cottage in a deep forest. I’m sure once I am successful in my career, I’ll be able to have that. Early on I had an interest in astrology, tarot and occult studies and was quick to reject Christianity as a kid once I started questioning certain things and learning history.

 Entering the adult phase of my life was a rocky transition but I learned a lot previously so I didn’t make as many stupid mistakes as I could have. I became an exotic dancer. I really enjoyed doing that once I got to Tampa. I like being a performer. The dressing up and doing makeup and hanging out with girls and meeting new people pretty much everyday and having a social rapport with the regulars. I was making good money at the time as well, so it was one of my favorite jobs to do. I enjoyed my sales position at Sears, but it certainly wasn’t ideal as far as the money and value for my time. I wasn’t developing myself emotionally or spiritually in any case though. Looking back, I wasn’t doing any spiritual development because I was more focused on working and making money. I wasn’t concerned about family or love life because I was only going with the narrative that making money for myself was most important. It’s still the battle cry of single mothers who had no child support. I didn’t think I would get so reprimanded for being dancer when it paid all my bills and gave me a bit of luxury. I wasn’t prostituting, I never wanted to turn sex into a commodity, or it would have lost all meaning to me. It was certainly a path I was avoiding at all costs because I didn’t want men to have my body because they paid for it but because I wanted it.

Despite all my hard work though, my family decided for me that I didn’t deserve my money and claimed my son on their tax return basically ripping 5,000 dollars out of my hands and preventing me from moving into an apartment. I still don’t think they had a justifiable reason. I had already put in application for my apartment and got a better paying job. I needed that money to hold me over until I got into the proper swing of my new life. Eventually I would’ve been able to bring my son to live with me. I certainly wasn’t going let some random man come and take care of me otherwise I would put my child at risk that my mother did to me. I had full intentions back then to care of myself and my son with my own labor. My ex-boyfriend had joined the marines, so I figured I lost him anyway and I was glad for him that he was going to be able to get out and possibly find someone better. After nearly drowning in my work cycle and having a terrible roommate, but still bless him for renting me out when I didn’t have a place to go, running around with a couple on the road for a few weeks, I came back to my mother’s house. I was semi suicidal, resentful and started doing cocaine, a habit that lasted 3 weeks that summer. I really thought I was done for after going through that ordeal of just everything crashing around me. I was very broken up. A little dog fell in love with me out of nowhere though. Her name was Fancy, and she was just perfect, I still miss her like I birthed her myself. I really feel like Mother Earth sent her to me to heal me. I shouldn’t have gone on that 3-week binge because when I came back, she was gone. I put up posters and online posts and went to the animal shelter. I couldn’t find her, and my depression threatened to send me down a spiral again. However, my niece’s dog had puppies. I got into taking care of the puppies. I could swallow the pain of losing Fancy a little easier with the sudden abundance. My so-called ex invited me to the military ball. He asked me about marrying him again. I wasn’t so sure at the time given the state of my life at that point in shambles and my mental and emotional health on a brink. I said yes but I felt at the time I wasn’t saying yes for the right reasons. I didn’t say it out of love, but rather I felt a lack of love in my life and I wanted it. I wanted to feel safe and secure with someone who could just take care of me for a while. I was in an emotionally vulnerable state. I’m happy my intuition had the reigns at the time because I am better now, but that dark logic I had could’ve really set myself up for further failure and isolation.

I just wanted to describe the kind of energy I was facing during this time. It was the time of my natal Saturn square and he was not letting me get away with anything. I received so much spiritual influx, on top of everything else, that year I thought I was going absolutely crazy. I learned to stop fighting it though. I started to go into myself. 2016 was a deep learning about relationships. Work, friends, family, and marriage. I wasn’t good at any of them honestly. I had gotten used to a certain way of being and it’s hard to break bad habits that you essentially had since childhood. 2017 was about being a mother and realizing the type parents I wanted us to be like to ensure the proper nurturing of our kids. This message that about material gains being proof that you care and love your kid is wrong. It’s the time we put into our kids that matters most. What can we sacrifice for our kids? Selfishness must be the first to go. When you’re growing a baby and they’re going to be nourished from your breast, you must put health of yourself first with healthy eating and exercising to keep your heart healthy. I quit cigarettes long before I was pregnant, but I was still smoking weed to fight the daily nausea. I just switched to raw papers because I didn’t want any tobacco going to the baby. I started to notice how others parented more and paid more attention to myself with my son. I started encouraging my husband to embrace his fatherly self with the kids, though he had just spent 2 whole years in japan so he had to readjust to society at the same time. That time apart was strenuous on us all. 2017 was also when I started to think seriously about my future and the legacy I was leaving. I was still hurt from the last 3 years and I didn’t want to just be a housewife or go back to working some shitty corporate job.

2018 my intuition awoke. I was away from all the messiness of the big city and extended family. We could just focus on our little circle at home. The problems we had were mainly about the marine corps being a terrible job and he was much slower to adapting to this relationship. I entered the marriage with weak intention, but I was excited to strengthen our bonds and seriously work on the family. I realize that year of our life was more of growing phase for my husband who was more used to isolating himself from his family. He had spent his career so far bunking with another guy, so he had to get back to normal living. He had some strange habits that did not mesh with me at all, so it was several battles to civilize him again. I returned to dancing briefly, mainly to get out of the house. I need socialization and he was still adolescent in his communication ability. He still doesn’t have much interest in the mystical side of things. The time in the military turned him atheist for some reason. I grew spiritually by contrast. Once my daughter didn’t have to constantly be coddled, I started reading more about it and following my intuitions strongly. I went back to reading psychology. By that time, I was deep into Peterson’s YouTube channel and diving into other deeper philosophy. I was starting to sort out the pieces of my life so far and how to rearrange some of it and what did I need to do away with.

2019 started with a bang. I hardly have the words to explain the visionary experience this year has been.  I was prepared for it emotionally, mentally and spiritually by paying attention to the astrology. I was ready to make this year my big transition. I was beginning to integrate all that I have learned over this time. My true nature was coming alive. I started going to church regularly. I went to understand this awakening I was going through and to socialize with a healthy environment since the club was certainly toxic. I started to understand the dimensions and synchronization. I had several psychedelic mediation sessions throughout the year. I started to be more straightforward with my intuitive truth and love. I witnessed the birth of my sister’s baby in a home delivery. I decided on a spiritual lifestyle and listened very closely to my guardian angel who came to me during my first breakthrough session. I broke up with my best friend of 11 years because she was poisonous to my energy. She must learn how to grow on her own. I learned a lot from her, particularly by doing the opposite in some cases. When she insulted my spirituality, after much harm she did to me materially, I shut the door on her completely. Because every time I gave her advice, it’s out of that part of myself. I was ready to shut the door on my husband because he is resistant to improvement, but I see glimpses of growth and I breathe in the patience. I just have to remember that men are much slower to blossom because of the type of society we have, and he was stunted the entirety of his military career. Despite his present atheist view of things, sometimes there’s shimmer that he sees something more, he should just stop ignoring it. I learned most importantly that every thing that has happened were trials, troubles and lessons. Even if it was something I didn’t like, I accept it and say that I wouldn’t do that to another person. I can learn from my experiences in life, from the books and lectures and through conversations with people. I’m definitely addicted to learning and adventure.

I decided to call myself a shaman because it seems to be the only title, I’m happy to call myself. It encapsulates all my Self. The entertaining mystical medicine woman. The high-spirited priestess of intuitive wisdom. A troubadour of sensuality and mysticism. All my special talents fit within this role. Terrence McKenna said shamans were like performing artists, psychologists and important for cultural survival. There aren’t many people calling themselves a Shaman nowadays. I embrace the role completely and I’m ready to dive in. The world needs someone like me to shake things up anyway. Doing things, the “normal” way isn’t my way of being. I love being unique. I want others to know that they can also be brave and unique. In trying to conform to society, I was nearly driven to suicide. Waking up to who I really am has filled me with so much life that I feel immortal, not hubris I’m just explaining the quality of my soul energy I feel. I want to be of service to the world. I understand what’s wrong with everything just by asking the right questions and shifting my perspectives to see things from a different angle. I am learning more about my abilities by testing them out psychically and learning something from every conversation I have with others now. I started paying close attention to lot around me in this year. I realized that my good memory and attention to detail are powerful tools. My most powerful tools are what nature and the Creator gave to me at birth.

I understand more about natural health. I continue to pray and meditate to keep aligned. I think I need a trip to the chiropractor again to aid in that. I started going to one this year and that has been a huge help in my growth. If your body is not healthy, it does affect your mood. Resolving physical pain removes it as a distraction. I have also taken sugar out of my diet and I have gained in long term energy. I eat strictly vegan about once a month for a whole week. Outside of that is lean meats. I don’t add fats to my cooking beside a drizzle. It’s hard to keep a balanced diet considering I still have a little one, but I avoid buying bad snacks by staying stocked on fresh fruit. But this is all a process. I might move back into an all vegan diet, but I doubt it. I’m looking into eating game meats and cutting out anything that isn’t whole grain. I want to expand the number of plants I eat. I stopped smoking as much weed but have been smoking flower petals instead with pleasant results. I am aiming to only use weed recreational purposes or for spiritual sessions. I’m not against daily use but I have to discipline my use of it not to be a whole blunt a day. I notice I can spiral out control with that easily. Smoking flowers and herbs instead seems to be a good replacement for a calming smoke at the end of the day. This is personal for me though, but I do encourage eating better and maintaining physical health with exercise.

I used to feel a little dirty wanting to charge for my service to humanity. However, I learned that my time is valuable. I only want to work with people who genuinely wish to see a change in their lives. I don’t do simony. I don’t say I predict the future either, some things are just hindsight anyway. I am being totally honest about what is or isn’t within my ability because I’m not a fraud or a bandwagoner. It’s interesting of course as I enter this work professionally, there are so many new age folks making a bad name for the real cunning women and wise men who do this work from their hearts. I see so many ads on YouTube and there are all these psychics online now. If you ask me, two-thirds of those people are just bullshitters. We all have an intuition, but there too many people messing around in the psychic field when they could be doing something else more productive. I am serious about this journey because I know it will have a great impact on the world. I have to make money because it’s part of the game we’re all playing now. I know I will use it for good. My plan is to be a nonprofit business that sends the extra money into projects like small businesses and community needs like gardens, home repairs and tutors. If I became a multi-millionaire, I would be using as much money as I could into helping people by solving actual problems that have been ignored for so long by society. The future is obvious if we don’t change the current road, it will lead to our entire downfall. However, it is also just as clear that if we just awake and start loving one another, we will have the utopian world that seems impossible. Dr. Martin Luther King believed in that dream. Love and truth are the answer to all our problems we see around us.

 I’m a shaman of light and darkness. I’m destined to bring balance back to this world. That’s what my life has been teaching me to be. It’s what my dreams have been showing me. The world needs someone who can ask the collective unconscious what it needs and bring it forward in an understanding way. I understand that the people are asking for many things, especially how can I survive when it seems like it’s set up against me? It’s painful to realize the moment when have a natural ability for something but society doesn’t encourage it or allow you to survive in this environment without selling a part of your soul. It’s the cause of all this depression and anxiety and high suicide rates. Children are being affected by this so heavily because they are more sensitive. The way the world is set up, of course you wouldn’t want to bring children into it just so their dreams could be smashed by the hopeless dominion of patriarchal institutions. All the protests about smash the patriarchy resonates with this message, however it can’t be done with more violence like how it was founded. We must be more methodical and put in effort in places that have been ignored for so long. Schools and communities need help and sending your money to a corporate charity or being taxed on wishful thinking hasn’t worked in decades since they’re just pocketing it. We must get outside and love each other again. Working on the internet can make us forget we’re all human and our flaws look even bigger on the internet. It’s a balance we must figure out since this is so new to us just as a species.

I am always up for hire though. I offer tarot and astrology readings over video chat. I discovered I’m very talented at it while doing Tagged livestreams. I am searching for a new place to stream on for live readings and channeling. People have always said great things about my readings like my accuracy and the on-point advice I give. I have studied much about mythology to get a deeper understanding of astrology. I’m well versed in psychology which is so helpful in giving guidance that will actually heal you. You can’t “love and light” yourself to self-actualization, I can help you recognize shadow aspects that you need to work on. I believe that every problem has a solution and there are lessons in failures. There is always a better way to do something. I am inspired to do this work because of Carl Jung primarily. I have always felt so connected to him and I wanted to do my work in that kind of unique style. He was something else to leave such an impact on so many subjects outside his main domain of psychology. I want to have that kind of positive impact on the world with this path I’m on. I know I have a long life ahead of me, so I have patience to keep going.

I’m ready to heal the world, one person at a time.

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