A bitter broken heart

Romance is practically impossible for me.

I’m not sure how to deal with feelings in general and romantic feelings are extremely confusing for an analytic type like me. I don’t get it being totally honest. I’m still married at the moment but can I say this is the love of my life? I’ve been in more exciting relationships which is part of the feeling of romance I presume or is at least observable. However, getting married was more of a practical decision. It’s not as if I never loved my husband, I feel very deeply for him. The fact I can even sort out my mind enough to want to be committed to him I thought was enough. I like doting on him and treating him nicely, but it could just be the type of romantic partner I am. But he’s totally obsessed with sex and it’s extremely frustrating that all he concerns himself about is whether or not I’m fucking somebody else. He should be more concerned with the real issues I directly bring to him to help our marriage but that’s all he wants to waste time thinking about.

I don’t take sexuality as seriously as this society wants to make it out to be. It’s a complex feature of humanity that absolutely needs more care but it is not the end of everything but it is a powerful act that should be handled with care because of the energy it generates. Sex is the joining of the masculine and feminine to create something. When it’s not a baby, it’s a connection made or emotions transmuted into physical force. There are all kinds of sex we already recognize. Hate sex, make-up sex, break up sex, casual sex, prostitution, and making love all with varying degrees based on the situation. Sex is just adult playtime. We get tired of playing with the same people though. Well, you never get tired of your best friend, which is why you end up marrying them, at least that’s the goal in the Americana dream of a good Christian marriage.

Romantic emotions may be intensified with sex but sex alone doesn’t create romance. Rom-coms play out the narrative all the time using superficial sexually charged stories in some of them. You can’t just smash and boom you’re in love. There’s a process to romance that isn’t really able to be calculated. You have to keep faith that you’ll find your soulmate when you both reach for the exact same book in the bookstore or they happen to be at that same convention dressed as the companion character to that obscure anime protagonist. That would be truly romantic but does that mean they are destined to get married and have a family? It sounds great on paper but life is nuanced. They could possibly just be pieces in the universe’s game with vibrations to have sex to shift some energies in a different direction. These things are very complex and way above our understanding so it’s just as likely a possibility. Don’t go trying to justify being a creep of this little scenario, you have to surrender to the Divine for it even to work out and God isn’t trying to help your ego feel good but use you to move the universe in the right direction.

See how complicated romance is from this western perspective. Romance derived from Rome with its use of poetry, dramas, and the very language of seduction. After ravaging a conquered country, their language transformed the people to the core. All those Romantic languages do sound sexy. Italian, French, and Spanish are the token choices for the sexy foreigner in many American movies. I won’t deny there are very attractive people in those countries but beautiful people are everywhere. Romantic peoples valued beauty because it is powerful in maintaining their spell over us all. They were the ones to introduce vices and virtues of jealousy and lustful longing to our cultural narratives when the previous civilization didn’t concern themselves even with monogamy. Marriage was for “political reasons” usually. The couple would be married for commerce purposes, land ownership, and bloodline (royalty). Monogamy would be required during a time when a baby was planned. Women certainly had contraceptive devices or followed their cycle with care in ancient times. Regardless, sexual partners weren’t given the same amount of scrutiny as it was given after the advent of Christianity.

What does this mean for modern people struggling with understanding romance? Same advice as always shed your western veil and meditate on your DNA story. For the African diaspora, we are playing out our romance badly especially since post-slavery healing is still going on. We have a weird relationship to sex in the lens of the west. Because of our lax nature towards sex, it causes all the sexual exploitation of my people. We understand at an instinctual nature the meaning of sex but we have to see it clearly. We obviously have a history of rapes and purposeful breeding that has damaged our collective astral energy as well as the white people who perpetrated those crimes. I digress though, we just need to be more aware of what we’re doing.

Now how did I treat all the instances of romance in my life? I have fallen for guys and girls pretty hard in my little life. I think a part of my problem is that I’m terrified of being in a relationship where you are totally vulnerable with each other. I let my walls down with my husband and his attitude just made me rebuild them as fast as possible, but he had a damn window though he could climb through if he just realized it’s open. That would’ve taken effort though. There are other men who have been perched and waiting for me to come out the castle doors again. I tried being vulnerable with my male friends but I worry a lot about will they see this opening as a romantic entrance when it’s a comfortable friend zone. I wonder if this emotional torture is another effect of western culture. It shouldn’t be this hard to be friends with guys and have friendly sex occasionally. At least that would be ideal. For that to happen, we need to understand sexuality in a pure sense and relationships in another category. Consenting adults should be allowed to do so and it not be an issue in personal relationships. I don’t even understand romance so my hot take about this may seem strange but to me, it seems logical. The real problem really seems to be personal insecurity though. We all suffer from it, returning to the castle wall metaphor, our bodies are temples after all. We rather closely protect instead of just letting anyone run in and out of course. I suppose if your partner went out to party somewhere you’d be concerned if they left the back door open for an unpleasant visitor. I think trusting your partner would be knowing that they will always lock the door behind them. A problem I think I have is the portraits of my previous lovers still hanging in my halls.

My first love was actually a girl which makes this all the more confusing. A blonde girl at that. It was only retroactively I realized this. In kindergarten my bestie was Samantha, we were placed next to each other alphabetically but we became close until second grade when we moved across town. I didn’t want to go because I knew I would be losing my best friend and 7-year-olds don’t think about getting phone numbers. Looking back, the amount of hand-holding we did was definitely suspicious. I think that was what made the boys tease me even more, they could tell I wasn’t a typical girl. Well, I’m an alien princess so yeah but I also didn’t have that divide of the sexes in my mind like that. One of the boys who teased me about my closeness with Sam decided to give me a full-on kiss as we walked back to class after lunch. Could you imagine seeing a 6-year-old boy dip a 6-year-old girl back and kiss her right on the mouth? I was struck and impressed by his boldness and we held hands a lot after that. I wonder how these early events have affected romance for all of the 3 of us growing up.

I got crushes of course. I realize that I always seeking the same boldness and also caring friendship that I received from the 2 genders. It could be why I’m also slightly dissatisfied with all my relationships. Maybe I want too much. With the status quo and my husband being unreasonable with me, he shut down any chance of me getting a girlfriend as if it would ruin the “sanctity” of our marriage. I just wanted a girl to cuddle and chat with. Being able to perform oral on her would’ve been a bonus but he felt insecure over that. If he let me rub on his booty and talk about stuff, we would probably still be happy. He of course doesn’t get that romance certainly is not the possession of another person, that is part of the slave programming still in him. We can belong to each other without owning the person. A marriage certificate is for legal reasons, not a receipt of purchase.

It really sucks that my husband has turned on me when I thought I was doing my best. However, this is the real me and I can’t fake it anymore. Maybe I should’ve let him stay a crush but he was persistent. I really told this guy not to marry me but I had a weak heart at the time. If we want to talk about insecurities that is a major one for me. I wonder if this marriage was just at a time when we both felt too alone. Who knows, it might’ve saved us both from mental illness and suicide at the time. Maybe we are starting to separate because the healing is done and it’s time for us to move on romantically. It’s the best analysis I can give with the information I have. What is really the purpose of marriage if after a time we have to enter another relationship with someone else to help them grow? Or is it another symptom of western sickness? It’s more than likely that communal loving relationships didn’t have to be sexual or romantic at all, but the common love we shared helped us grow together. Maybe if you really felt close to a special someone, you’d stay in a permanent relationship having children born out of love. That seems like the right way in my spirit.

It’s really painful to think that our sense of Love is so fractured among us. It really brings tears to my eyes that society has turned Love into a commodity or a tool for control. It should be freely given like an exchange of smiles on the street. It is inside of us ready to flow out into others. Restraining and suppressing it only turns it stagnant and rots it until it becomes something perverted. With love, we can heal those people as well, but it’s happening on such a grand scale and we have to touch everyone’s hearts. The heart is the pulsing of our life energy and we have an infinite supply of it as it comes from the Most High. Love is totally free, there’s no need to hold back. Why should we, it feels great.

Romance is just a concept that has polluted our senses. Referring back to Disney movies, in this lens we see that the princesses were already full of Love but an external masculine force had to bring it out. First, they had to release the love that was already in them through self-discovery. In Moana and Frozen, which is probably why I love them now, they had to channel Love towards their community instead of a single person. The power of their individual Love and quest for Truth quite literally saves their people. Something I relate with a lot in my journey. Tiana saves her city and dreams by caring about something other than her single-minded goal thus giving her so much more than what was expected. By trusting her heart and intuition instead of her logic, she was able to accomplish all she wanted and needed all at once. 

Even as I try to walk away from the idea of monogamy, true love still returns. Is it really that deeply ingrained or am I just broken when it comes to this earthly desire? It’s both but leaning towards the latter. I have a skewed perception because of the influence of relationships surrounding me. I’m just trying to love myself and understand what makes this feeling so powerful. While low vibe people are caught up in genital activities. It’s very deep and maybe it’s going to remain an ocean of mystery, at least to me. Maybe it’s just my nature that I’m not really meant to have a permanent partner, at least not one as jealous, reckless, and insecure as my present husband. It is very freeing to think about not being married anymore. I will go back to managing my temple as I want. It would probably be easier to be married if our children could visit with relatives more often. It’s not easy to hang out when there are little ones around and that drives up the household stress for the whole family. My husband had a few flings but it didn’t bother me. I was just like why did you take so long but I think it was healthy to break away a little bit. He needed to push his limits and maybe I’m getting in the way of that. Marriage as an institution has definitely inflicted that on many couples which led to hurt feelings and financial ruin. We’re learning the wrong way about everything based on colonizer lies and it’s causing so much damage to our global communities. We have to learn what Love and Truth really are, not just some belief system designed for population control. I never have believed in it but putting faith in it certainly has given us significant suffering and threatens to corrode our friendships and families.

The true crux of all this rests on my fear of romance still. If romance is true then I should be able to handle it when I sort it out in my heart and mind. If romance is just a game then what should we actually be doing in relationships? Again, it is possible to be my true self with someone and they won’t look down on it, gaslight me, or whatever other psychological attacks exist. I think after 5 years of this marriage I’m ready at least for different ammunition, I’d rather it not be any attack at all. I know no relationship doesn’t escape friction, so I think it is also a slight fear of conflict and it would be different with someone else. Probably by the time I’m in another serious relationship, this won’t be a great fear anymore. Of course, I have to actually want to get into another serious relationship first. We know how it works in movies and stories though, it’ll just happen without expecting It but I won’t turn down what the universe serves on a silver platter for me.

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